Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
