matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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