I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
