I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
