Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
