Just fell off a train. Bad.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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