I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
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This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
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I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize