when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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