My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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