my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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