this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
