the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
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So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
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I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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