i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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