guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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