Don't make out with my wife yet
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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