seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
