my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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