I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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