Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
If that was your dad, he is hot
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
