We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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