sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
