So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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