forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
