my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
