Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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