i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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