Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
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It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
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I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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