you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
