I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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