Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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