what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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