you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
