Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
