i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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