The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
