your parents love me but you hate me
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
