I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
