well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
