if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
