Heybabeimwearingurpanties
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
