filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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