please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
