I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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