sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
