This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
