It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
