I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
