Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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