Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
