Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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