He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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