She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
false alarm, still single
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