I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
