My underwear smells like fireworks.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
