I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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